Is it really over?

The Johnsons had been married for 12 years and had two children aged seven and ‎‎ten. They had decided Mrs. Johnson would give up her career for the benefit of the ‎family when the first child was born and so she had stayed at home to take care ‎of the children.

A year ago, Mr. Johnson started to complain that his wife was ‎enjoying a tai-tai life. He wanted to divorce as he did not believe in the marriage ‎any more. She felt a lack of respect hearing that her husband thought she was ‎holding them back and would not let that happen unless he paid for deserting the ‎family.

I knew she was terrified, yet I encouraged her to face her fears. By managing her ‎fear of the unknown, she could learn to adapt, accept and even grow into ‎welcoming a new and better situation.

I offered to talk to Mr. Johnson.

As soon as I gained Mr. Johnson’s trust, he shared with me his unhappiness and ‎desire for a new life. We discussed options and opportunities that would help him ‎achieve his goals. I established an understanding that the custodial and financial ‎decisions they were going to make would likely be the most important decisions ‎of their lives.

After two sessions, it was clear that while litigation was an option, the more they ‎learned about alternatives, the likelier it seemed mediation, would offer a better approach. Subsequent sessions focused on ‎learning each party’s concerns and attempted to address these in creative and ‎constructive ways not always offered by lawyers.

Dispute resolution is not a wonder cure and cannot prevent the pain involved in ‎the break-up of a family. However, in such stormy seas where most of the legal ‎options cause pain and destruction, coaching provides a positive alternative. ‎Finding workable solutions helps couples focus on what is truly important – ‎fairness and family, not the faults of the other party.

In an attempt to resolve the matter, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson continued with ‎the sessions. They realised it was impossible to keep the standard of living Mrs. ‎Johnson expected at the beginning. Moreover, Mr. Johnson understood that his low offer ‎would have a negative impact on the children’s well-being.

After a financial session – where both provided, to my request, financial information such as income and expense ‎sheets – the wife expressed her needs rather than wants. The husband shared his ‎ability to pay and not what he thought Mrs. Johnson was “entitled” to.

They also understood that single parenting meant less time with the children and ‎different rules in each household. This led the couple to agree to see a therapist ‎with expertise in children issues.

At the end of the sessions, both agreed that ‎divorce was still the best solution for all concerned. It provided both parties with the ‎opportunity to start again.