SOUTH CHINA MORNING POST – AUG 22, 2009
Signposts: divorce decorum
It is a rare divorce that can occur truly amicably; if you were getting along well, you probably wouldn’t want one.
Divorce is an unsettling process that invites destructive emotions such as shame, hate, blame, guilt, bitterness, betrayal, disappointment, anger, revenge and other uninvited guests.
A divorce coach can help.
Mr and Mrs Johnson (not their real names) thought they had no chance of a settlement. Each was represented by a high-priced lawyer. The process was very aggressive and acrimonious.
Mrs Johnson called me in desperation. “My husband wants to divorce,” she said. “I do not want to divorce. I will not divorce. Yes, it is not the ideal marriage, but what is ideal?”
The Johnsons had been married for 12 years and had two children aged seven and 10. They had decided Mrs Johnson would give up her career for the benefit of the family when the first child was born and so she had stayed at home to take care of the children.
A year ago, Mr Johnson started to complain that his wife was enjoying a tai-tai life. He wanted to divorce as he did not believe in the marriage any more. She felt a lack of respect hearing that her husband thought she was holding them back and would not let that happen unless he paid for deserting the family.
I knew she was terrified, yet I encouraged her to face her fears. By managing her fear of the unknown she could learn to adapt, accept and even grow into welcoming a new and better situation.
After gaining Mr Johnson’s trust, he shared with me his unhappiness and desire for a new life. We discussed options and opportunities that would help him achieve his goals. I established an understanding that the custodial and financial decisions they were going to make would likely be the most important decisions of their lives.
After two sessions, it was clear that while litigation was an option, the more they learned about alternatives the likelier it seemed mediation, self-negotiation and arbitration would offer a better approach.
Subsequent sessions focused on learning each party’s concerns and attempted to address these in creative and constructive ways not always offered by lawyers.
Divorce coaching is not a wonder cure and cannot prevent the pain involved in the break-up of a family. However, in such stormy seas where most of the legal options cause pain and destruction, coaching provides a positive alternative.
Finding workable solutions helps couples focus on what is truly important – fairness and family, not the faults of the other party.
In an attempt to resolve the matter, Mr and Mrs Johnson continued with coaching. They realised it was impossible to keep the standard of living Mrs Johnson expected at the beginning. And Mr Johnson understood that his low offer would have a negative impact on the children’s well-being.
After a financial coaching session – where both prepared income and expense sheets – the wife expressed her needs rather than wants.
The husband shared his ability to pay and not what he thought Mrs Johnson was “entitled” to.
They also understood that single parenting meant less time with the children and different rules in each household. This led the couple to agree to see a therapist with expertise in children’s issues.
At the end of the sessions, both agreed that divorce was still the best solution for all concerned. It provided both parties the opportunity to start again.
A divorce coach tries to help people understand how they can get through this difficult process with less stress and to acquire useful skills that will help boost self-esteem and confidence.
Lior Sade is a divorce coach and a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community